WHEN “HOLDING ON” HOLDS YOU BACK

When events are spinning out of control, when loss is unbearable, we strive to steady ourselves. Cling to a lifeline. Find firm ground and plant our feet. Ideally, we find the strength and comfort we need to re-settle, re-center, and carry on.
 
But it’s possible to get stuck, like Dexter does in this month’s spotlighted picture book, READY TO SMILE AGAIN.

Dexter is a chipmunk whose world is turned upside-down, quite literally, when the tree in which he lives falls. Suddenly he is homeless. His belongings are scattered over the ground, all dinged, chipped, and dirtied. But ever so precious to him.
 
Dexter rushes to recover his toys, dishes, books, and so on. Keen to keep them safe and secure, he crams his damaged possessions into his chipmunk cheeks.
 
Friends, neighbors, and teachers are eager to help Dexter. They reach out, asking, “Are you OK?” and “Can I help?” Derek is unable to answer them, lest his belongings fall from his mouth. Besides, “He didn’t feel like talking or smiling anyway… All that mattered now was that Dexter knew his things were safe.”
 
Despite Dexter’s silence, his friends, neighbors, teacher, etc. stand by him. When he does not answer, they quietly sit with him, help him set up his new home, give him hugs.
 
Finally, one day, he thinks about their help, their kind words, their warm hugs. About “how his friends made him want to smile even when he wasn’t quite ready.” He realized they had made him feel better. “He wasn’t as scared anymore.”
 
So Dexter tries to answer the next friend who asks, “How are you?” He tries to say. “Pretty good,” but with his cheeks stuffed, his words are unintelligible. “Piffy goob.” “Pwebby bood.” “Priffy goob.” “Briddy doob.” “Pwibby goob!” His efforts give the friend the giggles, and Dexter feels laughter bubbling up inside him, too.
 
The laughter feels so good that Dexter realizes that he’s ready to keep laughing and smiling. And to do that, he has to unpack his cheeks. Holding on to everything is holding him back.
 
When viewing Dexter’s story through the lens of social-emotional competencies, we see Derek’s needs and growth. We also see how Derek’s community responds to his predicament.
 
In the area of Self-Management, Dexter’s story illustrates risks associated with limited or ineffective coping skills. Dexter tries to manage his distress by preventing further change. He strives to control what ultimately is beyond his control. After a while, Dexter realizes this approach is not sustainable. Instead of feeling more secure, he is stuck in a state of alarm, frozen in his fears.
 
The area of Social Awareness includes awareness of community resources. Derek’s community does rally around him, offering support and resources. The characters in the book model empathy and compassion. They demonstrate ways to ease a friend’s suffering:  just show up, stay nearby, listen quietly, give a hug, help with specific tasks that need to be done. Derek recognizes and appreciates their efforts, even when he is not yet smiling or speaking. Eventually, he is moved to begin interacting with his community again.
 
Competencies in the area of Relationship Skills usually are described in terms of how to communicate with others and build positive interpersonal relationships. Derek’s story illustrates another aspect of Relationship Skills: accepting help. When others come to check on him and help him, he does not push them away. He accepts their help and kindness, and ultimately, “Because of them, Dexter felt better. He wasn’t as scared anymore.”
 
READY TO SMILE AGAIN is a powerful resource for children who have experienced trauma, and for the people – including other children – who want to help them.